From Within
The genesis of my intention and what it means today
“From Within” was a name for my writing given by a patron, Shaun, almost in passing, when I was a bartender at a little local bar where I was mostly just slinging beers, almost 15 years ago. I can’t remember how the conversation came about, but it was probably around my Blogger account1, and when I was thinking of renaming it, or starting a new blog elsewhere. I had decided to keep the blog and the name “The Good Wheel”, as a reference to Christianity being good as it is, without my need to reinvent it by adding New Age ideas to it: a common theological quagmire for new Christians. (Though I was raised in a culturally Christian home, I was not baptized until I was a full adult in 2010).
I took the name “From Within” officially once I started my Substack account in early 2023 (as opposed to just having it as a tagline) but it was only to this present day when I’ve truly been able to embody what this means. After meeting with my hair stylist, Ovik, for the second time since the summer on Saturday, I discovered that he also reads energy, and I am now able to understand that true healing really comes “from within”. Since my appointment, I have had a radical shift in perspective.
I went from being performance based, thinking that my worth was attached to my output or how kind/accommodating I am (despite all my efforts to challenge this faulty thinking) to now being able to conserve my energy and with that, come from a place of sanity and authenticity. I went from a place of perfectionism to a place of self-love, doing what is right for me (while respecting obligations and other such boundaries).
I didn’t have a burning bush moment with Jesus, or sobriety, but I did seem to have it when I was lifted up in such a way that my soul desperately needed. When this love came to me, I was able to receive it (because of Jesus and sobriety), and that permitted my instant recognition of the fact that I have the right to be kind to myself.
In yoga tonight, I practiced what felt right, not what looked right, as Ovik recommended. For the first time I breathed through the poses, and went within, believing that I can release any trapped trauma stored in my body. With that has come a new feeling of connectedness, belonging, and purpose, as I was able to place a tactile experience to my spiritual progress.
Another layer of conditioning has been lifted, allowing closer access to the core, which I understand to be calmness, vitality, purpose, and an overall sense of safety and wellbeing, where I don’t need to over-exert myself to people-please. Nothing is by accident; every effort toward healing, every opposition denounced, opens a new door when ready to walk through it, where miracles can happen.
