I’m noticing how I’ve been able to relax more lately. I can take the time to take care of myself, but in that, I can’t be on 100% of the time like I’m used to. This is a good thing, though, because a lot of that being “on” was really just the faulty coping mechanism of people-pleasing. Today I am living more authentically, and in that my connections are stronger. I am approaching people and situations with an openness that I didn’t have access to when I was seeking perfection.
That drive for perfection was worldly, and it was harming me. I now only strive to imitate God in his perfection, and that does not actually strain me the way trying to imitate a robot did. When I was aspiring to be a flawless employee, I eventually became frustrated, because I expected perfection from others, too. I have since returned to a beginner’s mind where I am more eager to serve and to be understanding, rather than to be righteous and know it all.
This has welcomed in a sense of peace and happiness that I was missing for a while. When I can be more people-centred, instead of self-centred, motivated by pride, I feel a sense of belonging that I can’t achieve otherwise. As a holistic person, being people-centred by default means that I care about myself too, proportionately. It’s interesting to think that when I denied my basic needs I was being self-centred, but paradoxically, I was so wrapped up how I wanted others to perceive me that I neglected basic self-care a lot of the time.
I heard a political commentator say the other day that he would prefer something was done quickly than right. While there were a lot of moving parts to his statement, it made me think about the agony I put myself in trying to be “right”. And while I by no means let my work get sloppy, and do everything in my power to not make mistakes, I can see the value in just getting something done. Sometimes that thing that needs to get done is self-care, so that I can show up as fully as I can when I need to.
Things don’t have to be so extreme, so urgent. The pressure I put on myself to perform was at times excruciating, and where I stand today is on the works of years of digging away at that broken, but powerful, thinking which said I needed to be working hard to be of value. This rewards-based system is nothing like the unconditional love from the Kingdom that I know and rest in today. This is the healing that so many of us need in this hustle culture that glorifies burnout as a badge of honour.
And I understand this collective agreement, because we exist in a world where our nervous system hasn’t caught up to the technology, and where cost of living has changed the way we work and live. To adjust the collective consciousness to move from doing to being is radical, and only an act of God can ultimately effect this shift.
I don’t need as much as I thought I did. I can sleep less, eat less, shop less, consume less social media, and this all gives me the space to send those saved resources to God and to my neighbour1. This builds me up where I don’t need to be lifted up by others the way I thought I did to feel okay. I receive validation through my ministry, through knowing that I am anointed to carry God’s message, oftentimes just quietly through leading by example.
I don’t need to earn respect - that is my birth-right as a human being. I am grateful that I can relax and take it easy today2. I can step away from approval addiction and into true belonging, loving who God created me to be, instead of trying to jump through hoops of what I think people want me to be. Having a sense of connectedness frees me in the moments I do not or cannot perform to the standards I raise myself up to. As I continue to grow in compassion, empathy, and gentleness, I find it easier to show that kindness to myself as well.
Matthew 22.37-9