Authentic Giving
Love is true when it is free, not forced
Part of getting sober has been being able to “live life on life’s terms”. When I was a newcomer, I didn’t even know what that meant. I vividly remember asking someone to explain that phrase to me. There were lots of basic words and phrases that I didn’t understand. I also didn’t know what “boundary” meant, and I was hard on myself about that. I felt really confused that this English major didn’t seem to comprehend these seemingly basic words.
But today I realize that these words are used to describe healthy ways of moving through life, which I didn’t have a foothold on, so that’s why I wasn’t fully grasping these concepts. What I have since discovered is that recovery and wellness has a language just like any other discipline. Being hard on myself and expecting perfection was the manifestation of an unhealed body and mind, but today I hold reverence for that which I do not know1, and I try not to demand unrealistic outcomes.
Now, more than a decade after getting sober, I have turned another significant corner in my recovery, working through deep trauma as I take a new plunge with my therapist and uncover those protective layers that I began to build up in childhood - layers that helped me feel safe at the time, but which no longer serve me as an adult.
Naturally there are some roadblocks, and the one I face currently is understanding the difference between true sacrificial love, and people-pleasing. Very similar to the outwardly appearance of a heavy drinker and a real alcoholic, there are fundamental traits as well between this form of giving which is the difference between life and death.
As I now work to reclaim the assertiveness that I lost through my trauma responses, I get stuck on the agape love that is prescribed by Christ, because I thought that I was supposed to sacrifice without discernment. As I work to correct my understanding, I go even deeper into my healing, untangling the faulty co-dependent beliefs deep within me that have confused perfect love with actions taken which, though with good intention, are manipulative.
Real service does not compromise my boundaries, in fact it is a pleasure, especially when I am taking care of myself and I feel connected to my surroundings. Service is when I give freely of myself for the benefit of another, however people-pleasing is when I say yes when I mean no, and it takes away from me in order to give to others without examination of what is really happening in a given situation.
True, biblical love, comes from a place of wholeness. It comes from a place of being so filled up with divine spirit, knowing who we are in God, that love simply flows out of us. An act of service is the fruit of real power, and in God’s math, it energizes the person who is giving. Acts of false love which are done out of fear is the opposite of agape love, and it depletes the person because it comes from a position of powerlessness.
This is what leads to exhaustion and even burnout, and why boundaries do not mean that we don’t care or that we are not good or friendly people. This was my greatest challenge when I first started using my boundaries. I so desperately needed to be viewed as sweet and kind, because at some point either intentionally or not, I was given the message that I will be treated better if I fly under the radar and suck up to people. After hitting a worldly bottom in my 40’s, I had to face the fact that I was doing a vast disservice to deny my needs in the vain attempts to give others what I thought they wanted or needed.
When I didn’t have boundaries, I struggled to make decisions. Now I understand this is because there is power in choice, and in my powerlessness I was too afraid to be assertive or take chances. My learned behaviour of not having boundaries, or not asserting myself when my boundary would get crossed, violated that freedom to live autonomously and even creatively. However, I am now empowered to discern the best option to take, and in so I affirm my innate right to live peacefully and with dignity.
Today I know that boundaries are acts of love that keep me safe; they are protective measures to ensure that I spend my energy wisely2. As I continue my career in human services, I see how there is room for flexibility, but I am solid in my “why” and make choices that are holistic and that serve the greater good. Working to help others can blur lines between what is procedure, and what is beyond that, in service: sometimes a solution is offered that is more above and beyond and those times are rooted in the utmost compassion and empathy, but also within reason.
Ultimately, I don’t need to harm myself so that I can feel like I am a kind, sweet, or good person; instead I can understand my needs along with the real needs of the situation at hand, assessing appropriately today. That in itself makes me feel good, because I can see where I have grown and healed to be able to maturely and responsibly steward requests. To be able to meet my own needs now, through assertiveness and boundaries, allows me to give and receive honestly and confidently.
