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Within My Means
Money is not the only resource I need to manage within reason
Before I had my psychic change, I mismanaged just about every facet of my life, from finances to friendships to romances to family affairs to extracurricular activities to employment to education, ad infinitum.
What I’m learning now in recovery, mostly in regards to fiscal responsibility, is that time and energy is another form of wealth, and I must also manage those resources within reason.
An act of maturity that was very difficult for me to choose was the decision to not pursue a masters degree after I earned my postgraduate certificate in health coaching. When I was faced with the new reality that my father was no longer around to act as a safety net, I had to concede that I could not financially manage grad school, at least for the coming semester.
Through accepting that truth, I navigated many hurt feelings, and ultimately came through the other side feeling more empowered and reaping the benefits of having financial stability, really for the first time in my life.
A couple of years later, and no closer to becoming the legitimized scholar I fancy myself to be, I find myself at a wonderful place of employment, supported and appreciated, invested in and respected, all in the field of health care which gives me such a feeling of well-being and accomplishment.
But alas, there’s always more, and as I move through my recovery and get more wins and gain more confidence, I begin to question where I could go next. And while there isn’t anything wrong with wanting more for myself, I do balk at the thought of placing myself into yet another disruptive season of my life where I will invariably find myself in a state of volatility in the pursuit of something “better than”.
I recognize today that living within my means also includes how I spend my time. Being grateful for what I do have today, and subduing my ego which usually demands more - more prestige, more downtime, more privacy, more money - so that I can instead show up and be present for my partner, for my program of recovery, and for the things that truly matter to me, I can more objectively comprehend that life is short and time is fleeting, and my worth is not contingent on what I know or an impressive title.
I have to continuously manage my pride to stay within the limits of what is healthy and acceptable for me. I am relieved that I know what works and what doesn’t now, and whenever I find myself slipping into chaos for the “next best thing”, I stay planted and grounded in the knowing that I have a beautiful life today, and all I really need to do is remember that.