Unforeseen Confidence
Unforeseen Confidence
As I continue to implement my boundaries, I get to experience a new confidence
I used to exhaust myself, because I didn’t know where the responsibility of other’s ended, and where mine began. I overexerted myself, and in my people-pleasing habits, I betrayed my autonomy. Looking back, I believe the mental and even physical exhaustion from taking on too much was what caused a lot of my anger problems.
I had to accept that I was basing most of my actions on the need to control what was around me in order to feel important. Once I let go of the control tactics, which I was able to do once I built up my boundaries and got clear over what the realistic expectations were, I was surprised to see how much better I was able to function.
Even though implementing boundaries has been a lesson in humility because I have to be more pragmatic about what I can and cannot do, I seem to have more mental agility. I’m not as afraid to make judgement calls at work, so I actually feel more competent. This has been one of the most surprising and pleasing effects of having my boundaries in place.
Once I saw that I was controlling through trying to be perfect, it was easier to let those tendencies go. I became much less afraid all around. I realized that I don’t have to try to control in order to feel important: having healthy boundaries has boosted my confidence, so I no longer need to go out my way to compensate for falsely perceived lacks in my life or in my character. And I have found that I don’t let people take energy from me today the way I did when I was trying to control everything, which also facilitates confidence.
In reflecting on all of this, I’ve also noticed I have a tendency to feel ashamed for the things I have today. I realized that in my accomplishments, there was a sense of feeling unworthy, coupled with a sense of guilt for not engaging with certain people who I no longer resonated with. With healthy boundaries, which protects my personhood, I can own my successes without feeling as though I don’t deserve them.
When I wanted to first practice boundary-setting, it was because I felt victimized and bullied, though I knew a lot of the pain I was feeling was self-inflicted. What I didn’t know was that this new phase of self-care would officially cross me over the threshold to true empowerment. I didn’t realize how much power I gave away; looking back, it’s really not surprising that I am much more confident today.
It took a lot of work to get here. I had to let go of the preconceived notions I had about myself and others, about my roles as a friend, employee, partner, and member of my community. I had to accept that I wouldn’t always be received the way I wanted, and that wasn’t as hard to do as I thought it would be, because in my self-fulfillment I found I was looking less outwards to validate me.
It’s okay to simply exist to the best of my ability, even when some days it feels less than enough, especially since I recognize today that those feelings of unworthiness are skewed misperceptions. And it’s further okay that I might not get the allocates or respect I want in a given day. Now that I am able to find satisfaction by being true to myself, I can feel accomplished no matter how unglamourous a day I think I’m having.
