I’ve been trying to heal parts of my past with a sense of quiet desperation. It really got to the point where I was thinking about contacting a deliverance minister, because I have been trying for years to be free of the melancholy that can so readily crop up and leave me feeling stuck and small.
But after experiencing an absolutely lovely guided meditation this week, I remembered that it’s normal to experience sadness from time to time, because life is full of disappointment, rejection, and grief, and for people who have been at the intersection of trauma and addiction, that pain can be drastically heightened. I realized that it’s not pain that I need to be delivered from, it’s the thinking I have around a false idea that I can arrive at a place where I never make poor-decisions in my attempt to mitigate that pain.
I am coming out of being highly influenced by hyper-charismatic teachings the past month, and it’s surprising to me that for the first time in the 14 years I've been a practicing Christian, I became that absorbed in Pentecostal teachings. I’d been asking myself how that happened. The focus on controversial topics such as demonology, prophecy, and speaking in tongues from this particular group, looking eerily like witchcraft whilst proclaiming to be the true religion, made me feel uncomfortable. Yet I felt compelled to keep listening to interviews as I performed mental gymnastics to make sense of it, while resisting the feeling that I was betraying my own values within the church.
But I get it now, because when I heard a deliverance prayer that happened to name the absolute nitty-gritty of my pain, thereby validating my heartache and absolving the shame around that, I realized how even in the body of Christ, we still like to hide in pockets of darkness, and these preachers understand this basic fact. In fact, they truly understood it and courageously called it out it before I even became conscious of it.
This most recent adventure culminates with the ascertainment that no one is immune to the exposure of pride. Anyone can become infected by it. From a destitute soul refusing to seek or receive help, to the most wealthiest person, refusing to see where help is needed, to everything in between. Pride does not discriminate against culture, denomination, or status, and our main role as believers in God is to be on constant guard against this crushing aggressor.
These deliverance preachers did teach me something, though. They showed me where I was not doctrinally sound; they showed me where my faith was lacking, and where I was still trying to work above what Christ already finished on the cross. I have since repented for this, fully recognizing this common error. I was making an idol of recovery, trying to please God through my own power, instead of doing what I am commanded to do, which is to yoke with Christ and become empowered through him, which brings the Holy Spirit’s peace that surpasses all understanding. And in this way, I have in fact been delivered.
While I continue to walk out my faith journey, my salvation, I become more accepting that pain can be an opportunity to extend compassion, because being hurt is a normal condition of the human experience. As I continue to crucify my flesh in order to seek out and do God's will, I am now confident that my testimony is a conduit which empowers me to act with empathy and sincere desire to be of service; this is the true antidote to pain, because it’s not actually my power, it’s God’s healing power moving through me and out to bind up these wounds and act as an encouragement to others.
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