Showing Up
Showing Up
Living in service and gratitude help me live life to the best of my ability
I was feeling really uncomfortable before going to church this morning. I was nervous to read at the front, and more tired than usual with the “spring forward” of the clocks an hour for Daylight Saving Time.
I was also feeling uneasy, because as I was going through a mental health summit for my continuing education credits to maintain my health coach designation yesterday, I learnt about a condition where nervousness can be a symptom of toxins depositing into tissues and poisoning the body.
So there I am, tired, uncomfortable and wondering if I made a mistake being commissioned to be a lector at my church, and now afraid the nervousness I was experiencing was actually toxins attacking my body, and feeling hopeless to correct it if so.
Then, as Mass started, the priest reminded us that we are gathered in thanksgiving. I recalled how I can be of service today, because I have a job that is steady and consistent, and I can rely on my schedule and therefore show up and contribute to my communities in meaningful ways.
I realized that while acts of service help keep me on level ground and helps me resist the selfishness within me that makes me feel unhappy, it’s truly the gratitude that propels my ability to think of others, and how I can best show up to help.
A piece of scripture was then read in the entrance antiphon, where I was further reminded that it’s God Almighty who will rescue me from myself: “I will pour clean water upon you and cleanse you from all impurities, and I will give you a new spirit, says the Lord.” (Ez 36.25)
As I study the ways of the world, psychology, the humanities, and history, I can so easily forget that my higher power is my North Star - not wellness gurus, not members of my church who I fear will judge me if I don’t read well, not people won’t give me the attention or allocations that I think I deserve.
I got to where I am today, because I believed in a supernatural love that transcends all earthly matter. A power that can heal me from the inside out. I can so easily forget the love of my higher power and the passion I once felt for Christ and his promise of eternal life.
Because I live in service today, I show up even when I don’t want to. When I am tired, insecure, cold, and a host of other unpleasant sensations. Because I showed up today, I got to experience an enthusiasm that I had no anticipation of. A passion that I haven’t felt in a very long time.
Because I live in service today, I am playing with the big kids. We show up and do our work, even when we don’t want to. We live responsibly, and we risk being judged when we are not at our best, but are still present and open. That is the discipline I always wanted, but until recently couldn’t muster; not without getting involved and being active.
Some days, it’s easy for me to shake off my shortcomings or my mistakes. Today isn’t necessarily one of those days. But when I keep saying “Yes” to life, I continue to build resiliency, and camaraderie with people who I respect and look up to. And as always, I anticipate the promise of a new day.
