I have been moving through moments of dysregulation the past couple of days. Today is my birthday, so I am taking more note of it. I feel an inherent disappointment that I don't feel happier for my special day.
But I've done enough work to notice vast improvement in how I navigate a hijacked nervous system, and while practicing gratitude which I like to default to when feeling challenged isn't really possible in this state, I am very proud of myself for how far I've come.
I can get to work (and on time), I can reach out to people and let them know I'm having some mental health struggles, I can hold space for my feelings without judging them, I can show patience and thoughtfulness to others, I can focus enough to read and take in information, I can respond instead of react, I can mitigate future fears, and I can hold hope in my heart.
I now see how trauma responses (essentially faulty neuroreceptors finding threat where there isn’t threat) isolates us and shuts us down. How it sabotages us. All the times I just quit because I couldn't navigate my feelings, ultimately not knowing that I was simply working with a compromised system. In the past, I would exclude myself and then hate myself for it, not being able to reconcile counting myself out. Today I have compassion for myself and I can show up, even when it’s hard. And I can then pass that same grace onto others.
Today I recognize that my perceptions will directly impact the reality that I will witness. If I am perceiving that the world is a cold and cruel place, which is my default position when I am dysregulated, I will end up seeing hardship and pain around me, reinforcing that negative belief; but if I keep my mind open to wonder and possibility, I will see opportunity and acts of kindness in the places I encounter, which will help me feel safety and security.
It doesn’t have to be all sunshine and rainbows. That’s not a reasonable expectation in a fallen world. But I can be empowered to be the change that I want to see. Deep breaths and taking it easy is how I get through these tougher moments, and using my talents is how I remember that today, I am okay.
“And acceptance is the answer to all my problems today. When I am disturbed, it is because I find some person, place, thing, or situation—some fact of my life—unacceptable to me, and I can find no serenity until I accept that person, place, thing, or situation as being exactly the way it is supposed to be at this moment. Nothing, absolutely nothing, happens in God’s world by mistake.” (Alcoholics Anonymous, page 417).
