As I continue to release what does not serve me, I am learning that this process of healing is ultimately boundary work. I can see how I struggled to protect my energy, because in the exact moment of requested action, it can be easier to appease others than to stay true to what would build me up, or make me happy. Then there was a layer of complexity where I had to mitigate teachings that encourage service or self-sacrificing love, along with the toxic narrative floating around that self-care is selfish.
Now that I am living a more authentic life, I am less inclined to worry about what other people think, and as I am more solid in my wants and needs and how to meet them, I am less distracted by the potentiality of judgement from others. I can look back and see all the times I betrayed myself in order to avoid the uncomfortable feelings of potential confrontation, when the reality is, I am safe and all I have to do is put one foot in front of the other.
Being able to stand in my convictions has done the opposite of hurting me: it has strengthened me, showing where others did not have my best interests in mind so that I can make more informed decisions, and it has given me back time and energy. And while it can still be uncomfortable to assert my boundaries and to say no, it does get easier in practice.
When I can show myself compassion and grace, I in turn can show that to others. Being able to take care of myself does not mean that I am mean - it is simply a way to live my life to the best of my ability, which means as healthy as possible, and we are learning more and more that how we spend our energy is a critical component to mental and physical health.
I am worthy of being healthy. I am worthy of optimal spiritual, mental, and physical health. These are affirmations that I can say today, because I fully believe them to be true. But I still need to say them because sometimes my surroundings would have me believe other. This is not necessarily intentional, sometimes it's the byproduct of a world that is still finding its footing, and stumbling at times. There is a slogan in the Al-Anon tradition that says, "Let it begin with me", and this is my source of inspiration when I feel frustrated by the inconsistent messaging around me.
When I stay true to myself, I am on the right path. There might be some obstacles that I can trip up on, but through those discomforts, I can remember my purpose, which is to continue walking in grace and dignity, focusing on what is meaningful to me. Knowing what I want and need, and being able to support myself through my journey, helps me go in the direction I want. I am better able to discern what is mine to carry, and what is mine to let go of, and in this I am empowered to have a good day.