I would like to preface this post with a disclaimer that I speak only from personal experience. I do not decry caffeine: I am a person in recovery and I decided to take an extra step for my wellness, as I continue to integrate and become a wholehearted person. My experiences with coffee are subjected to background and other personal indicators that are not indicative of other people’s experiences, and I fully respect and appreciate the consumption of coffee and tea.
I am in my 9th week of being caffeine free, and I am starting to feel more back to "normal". It was at the 8 week mark when I really started to feel more grounded, with more enjoyable spurts of the energy that can make me feel elated, the way caffeine did. Something that has come up during these past couple of weeks, however, are sporadic recollections of embarrassing and painful memories, previously well forgotten in the recess blurred by time. I think that these are coming up as part of the healing process, so that they can be surfaced and integrated, and all in all, are not too destabilizing.
While there have been many moments of questioning my decision to quit caffeine, more specifically coffee, I am grateful I have ridden those moments out, because they really are so fleeting, whereas giving in to the craving has far longer and more concerning consequences than the immediate discomfort of not reaching for that cup.
Being caffeine free has been a radical act, because our society is structured around being over-worked, so using this drug to numb the fatigue and to give a further boost of adrenaline has been a way to overcome this burden. Not having a change in my schedule, but having a change in my energy levels has required me to be more creative in how I manage my time so that I can heal fatigue and even burnout. The results have been going even further into my natural lifestyle, even yesterday letting my white hairs show through for the first time as I let go of the hair mascara that I used in between hair dyes.
I feel like I have created more time, but really I am just managing it a lot more differently today. I also have to practice acceptance in a new way as well. Seeing that I simply don't have the time that I want, I have begun to objectively look at my days, and see where I really was placing emphasis on things that just didn't really matter to me, or that are unrealistic or not aligned with my values. Now, I am figuring out what actually needs to get done, and what I can move on from.
Not only has my entire recovery evolved, but I am even closer to my ideals of being an example of wellness, because I removed a substance from my life that was a bandaid for a bullet hole. It's as though I can suddenly see clearly, and that my priorities got straightened out almost overnight. The truth is, it's been a work in progress. I'm reminded of what my friend said to me a while back: when we see a building go up, it seems overnight, but really they were digging in and filling up the foundation for sometime before we see the four walls - the real work happens in the infrastructure, what we don't see on the outside.
This is recovery. We chip away and we work and we toil and we can even feel at times like it will all come collapsing down on us - but that's just part of the process. It's when we see that architecture come to fruition that we then rejoice. And that is sweet fruit that does ripen in due time. I never thought that I would be taking the steps that I am to work around the new challenges that being caffeine free has presented. But this feels like the way I always wanted to be, and I can see that I continue to grow into my true and authentic self.