As I continue on my recovery journey, and growing in self-compassion, I can now see that includes not judging my past through the lens of my present.
I didn't realize how much I beat myself up for things I did as a young person, or even as a mature adult, when the truth is I did the best I could at the time. I remember being told once that there are no bad choices, because we all make the best choice we can in the moment. I am wondering if I can really believe this to be true: it would certainly up my compassion game considerably.
As I become more integrated and in the world, and as I embody more compassion and love, I can remove myself far enough from self-pity to see that I was very fortunate to have been given some of the opportunities I had, and today I work at inviting similar experiences, but now with the wisdom and responsibility.
Some days I feel like a square peg trying to fit into a round hole; that is an underlying feeling that I can't ever fully shake, no matter how consistently well I'm doing. I am beginning to appreciate that it is my baseline, at least for now, and when I am feeling in the mire, instead of trying to push myself into that mis-formed space, I instead practice acceptance and gratitude for what I am good at. I am seeing the courage in this, because I have had to search the recesses of my mind in the absence of external relief for that knowledge.
Not forcing a feeling has been one of my greatest accomplishments in recovery, and practicing mindfulness has helped to normalize that for me. To observe objectively, instead of being caught up in subjective feelings, has given me more autonomy and agency over my actions, and with that comes the ability to spend my energy more wisely and effectively.
It's not a pleasant feeling to be stuck in the past or fearful of the future, but I am getting much better at neutralizing those invasive thoughts, so that I can move past them with grace and poise. Life continues to come, and today, I appreciate what could await me, should I only be willing to be open to its possibilities.