As I continue on my caffeine free journey, I realize that there are some times where I really grieve not having that coffee to give me a release from bouts of low mood. I am at the point where I do not wallow, because I recognize that the momentary freedom of my negative thinking would not hold a candle to the longer time it would take for my system to process the caffeine, but nevertheless, I am aware of a deep longing to change my state of mind, and the romanticizing of what that adrenaline could look like; how it could help me.
However, I have realized that a lot of that sensation I am longing for is the excitement throughout general, oftentimes mundane day to day activities, and during moments where I thought there was no solution to seemingly melancholy. I have since had a revelation that I can cultivate that same level of passion in other ways, and this is possible through intention. When I was offline and only really getting spiritual inspiration from attending weekly Mass, I discovered that I actually very much like ritual, how deep and profound truths can be inspired through that theatrics. Now I see how I can create my own rituals.
In the least, I thought that rituals were childish, and at the most was afraid of them up until more recently when I had my release from more toxic beliefs that I was holding onto. Now that I am living a more wholehearted and authentic life, I can be more honest about my interests, and there are a handful of moments throughout the month, even in the week, where I can practice ritual, and participate in the specialness of the excitement that I thought I lost when I first got sober, and then again when I gave up caffeine.
Having been released from superstition and fear-based thinking, along with new confidence to walk my own path and my newfound commitment to time management where I can carve out time for ritual, I anticipate magic and mystery gracing me with the wonder of a day well-lived. All the things that I am naturally drawn to, but that I resisted through a different type of idolatry, through listening to people who’s values truly didn’t align with my own, are now welcome to show up in my life. And in simply making that decision, I already feel a sense of ease and comfort that leads me back to joy.
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