I've been reflecting on how I still struggle with envy. I have overcome many character shortcomings in recovery, yet I still feel painfully envious of others; it's something that I can't seem to "kick". It's been so disconcerting that I took it all the way to deliverance ministry, thinking that maybe I have a demon and need to be exorcised.
Fortunately, my intuition, or the Holy Spirit within me, gave me a revelation. After several nudges, culminating with a self-deliverance prayer, I knew through and through that wasn't my scene, which I already suspected. Nevertheless, I still am left with a jealous mind, which I am still trying to heal. So in some searching, I found a very helpful article with teachings from the Dalai Lama and Desmond Tutu.
It first showed a truth that I haven't heard before - that we all want fairness, but that is not the world we live in; therefore we see people getting a piece of the pie who don't deserve it (and I will add who we might perceive as not deserving it), and we are envious of their unearned success. Once I read this I realized that I am attaching myself to other people's narratives, instead of just going about my business.
The article further explains that we can be happy that someone is blessed, because when we are happy, it is better for all those around us. By someone being happy, we or our loved ones can find ourselves in much happier and friendlier environments. This made a lot of sense to me. I believe in the adage, "hurt people hurt people", so if someone is happy, that is good for everyone around.
And lastly, there's a teaching in Buddhism called Mudita, which means sympathetic joy. Its premise sounds like, “Good for him. Just like me, he, too, wants to be happy. He, too, wants to be successful. He, too, wants to support his family. May he be happy. I congratulate him and want him to have more success.” This also made sense to me, because I have been practicing Metta meditation, or loving-kindness meditation since June of last year, which uses similar phrases, and my anger has greatly subsided through this practice.
One of the most helpful things I read in my searching is when I looked up Mudita, and saw that this happiness for others is the hardest virtue to cultivate. I felt validated in my struggles and in that, a little healed. A reason given for this difficulty is that we can be so wrapped up in our own pain that we can't easily be happy for others, but in a new meditation that I am now practicing to cultivate this sympathetic joy, I also learned that we view joy as a limited resource. This resonated with me, as I have already noticed that living in joy in the world seems to be challenged, even when there are no triggers. The point is that joy is not a limited resource, and there is even a saying that joy shared is joy multiplied.
Ultimately, I got to see that the envy I struggle with is simply a result of the misperception that joy is a limited resource, falsely thinking that if someone is celebrating a joy, then I can't also experience elation. I have also realized how I have meshed my reality too closely to others, thinking my happiness is contingent on what other people are doing. I am back to basics in recovery 101 - my joy is not at the mercy of anyone.
When I have awareness of what makes me happy, along with the self-care practices that support my joy, I can celebrate others successes, without feeling threatened. As I commit to cultivating joy, there is a lot less fear of the future.